13 5 / 2013
"The way I hate you now is stronger than the way I use to love you.."
12 5 / 2013
"…getting the people you love to speak honestly about the painful, submerged truths that matter most to them is never as simple or transparent as all that…"
(from Slate movie review of Sarah Polley’s Stories We Tell)
How true this is
12 5 / 2013
Yesterday as soon as I stepped foot into my momma’s apartment, I broke down and started crying. This took her by surprise and shock. It was unexpected and a sudden. She asked what had happened assuming it had something to do with my afternoon in Brooklyn with my dad’s family and asked whose ass she had to kick from over there. I shook my head and said it had nothing to do with them through my tears. She stroked my hair out of my face and asked what was wrong repeatedly. I couldn’t answer. She blotted my eyes with a Kleenex. We went to her bedroom where I laid on her bed and continued to cry as she tried to comfort me. Eventually I was able to confided to her the stupid and important things that were bothering me. As we spoke I was surprised at how in tuned with my emotions she was and how well she knew me. I felt as if I had underestimated her as my mother for the past couple of years. She didn’t judge me, tell me I was wrong, blame me, criticize me, etc. She was my mother. She supported me, encouraged me, praised me, listened to me, sympathized with me and loved me. I was amazed at this moment I was sharing with my mother. A moment I longed and craved for for years. I went looking for it with my friends for years, and here it was.
This morning she called me at 9am, and wished me a “happy mother’s day”. I smiled and told her the same.
11 5 / 2013
The past couple weekends and a couple nights in between since that phone call I’ve been drinking. An escape. I don’t want that escape anymore. I prefer my old one of sleep but I am haunted and feel unsafe there.
09 5 / 2013
"Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that."
08 5 / 2013
sometimes things don’t deserve so much drama. it’s not always about who said this or that, or even who’s right or wrong. sometimes, it’s as simple as acknowledging you’re not the only person with hurt feelings…
05 5 / 2013
Emotionally damaged to the point of no return.
05 5 / 2013
“That’s life” or “It’s life” are becoming old excuses.
04 5 / 2013
I guess those butterfly feelings I thought I had was just indigestion after all. How disappointing.
03 5 / 2013
Self - sabotage.
I can’t do this again.
I know better. I need to do better. I deserve better. I want better.
I am stronger than my fears and insecurities.